A new normal ~ March 24th, 2014

When I was recently pregnant, I started a line of questioning as my own research and preparation for having two kids. I would ask other parents what advice they had for adjusting to two kids and pointedly, How do you juggle the two of them? Basically, how does one parent keep them both alive and yourself, as a stay-at-home parent, sane.

I would have nightmares of both of them crying and me failing to meet their needs. The baby wailing and me struggling to get him in the carrier as Nora ran out in to traffic. Or me trying to keep tabs on Nora as she climbed the stairs while I carried the baby and was unable to catch her when she fell. Or attempting to shop and having to physically hold items + baby and having Nora run away in a crowd or abducted away from me. You know, fun stuff that made my whale-like gestating body break out in an additional layer of unnecessary perspiration at 3am. So what to do? What was the magic secret these parents possessed that kept them from shouting out, or posting online, "BABY FOR SALE!"

Some would smile and say noncommittally, "It's hard...," and trail off without a true response (or eye contact interestingly enough). The slightly more informative would say, "It took a (month/months/year) to get use to it...," and if I asked clarifying questions I was met with more ambiguity, "Oh, you know, until you have a routine/activities/etc." The unspoken message being, "Please don't make me tell you. I don't want to relive it or be the one to tell you to stock up on alcohol and caffeine."

Then a catalystic event occurred, I had the baby. I guess people figured it was too late for me to turn back so they would be honest. The best advice, in our short experience, that we received is the following:

* "Lower your expectations."
To do lists are pointless, write them retrospectively listing what you accomplished that day instead. Sure, it might seem silly but filling out a post-it note like a Memento film production assistant is far less defeating then crossing off one (or worse, none) of the items on your list. No one cares but you. Let the house be dirty, skip activities and classes, watch one extra episode of Sesame Street (or three); if everyone is safe, fed, and reasonably healthy and content then you're good.

* "Someone is going to cry."
My breaking point was trying to clean up a screaming baby with a poop explosion and a crying Nora walking up to me with a handful of poop asking for help with her pants. Once you remind yourself that there will be crying, that it's unavoidable, and for a good chunk of the day...possibly all day with them taking turns (if you're lucky) and that you might be crying as well...well, it doesn't make it easier but it does make number 3 easier to perform.

* "Fight the guilt."
Kids won't remember how clean the house was or how many outfits or toys you bought them and whether or not (gasp!) they were secondhand or not. They'll have memories of laughing, exploring, and cuddling if I'm doing my job right. Besides, I don't want them making themselves miserable with guilt and shame so I need to be a role model of enjoying life for them. (I'll let you know if I ever feel like I've mastered this.)

* "A new normal will develop."
Barb Suarez, our Childbirth Class teacher, shared some great advice about this and said it would take at least a few months for things to feel normal and to be patient with ourselves. An unexpected, unanticipated, c-section with a traumatic birth didn't help. There have been days in the last two months where I feel as if I'm waiting for these kids' real mom to show up and take them home. Is there ever down time? The answer?

* "Accept help!"
There is no down time unless you ask for help and that time is necessary to maintain your sanity and a marriage. The word "relentless" starts to take on a whole new meaning with two kids. Everyone needs a break. Accept the offers of food, playdates, and babysitting and count yourself fortunate for good friends and family.

* "Be kind to yourself."
I know it's important to model healthy self-care for our kids and I'm working on not feeling guilty about this because getting a break helps me be a better mom. That also means not running myself down in front of Nora and modeling for her the basis of a healthy internal dialogue about herself. Along with showing her it's ok to take care of yourself because it benefits all those that you love.

Now if I could master all of that I would most likely qualify for sainthood.